5:00PM
I receive notifications whenever the boys tweet, with adequate wifi. I happened to be looking at my phone with a good connection when Jared posted on twitter. I keep my phone on silent, but I didn't need to hear the video to know...
I've been expecting this announcement all season. I honestly thought it would end this year.
1. Generally, shows have 22 episodes per season. Supernatural has had 23 episodes the last few seasons, so cutting back to 20 couldn't be a good sign.
2. For years, Jared and Jensen have said how much they miss their families while filming and how hard it is to get back to them between episodes, flying to and from Austin every week. Desperate for answers, I found an article where they explained the shortened season, Jared providing real insight into their reasoning.
He said they have this discussion every year as to whether or not they'll continue the show. For season 14, he and Jensen had asked the network what the fewest number of episodes would be worth filming. That number was 20. They would've preferred 13 or even 16, just to spend more time at home with their families, but agreed, knowing they'd have the discussion again, and if the network couldn't do less than 20 they would figure it out from there.
3. Creation Entertainment announced there would be fewer Supernatural conventions this year. Lately, fans have asked if the boys would still do convention when the show inevitably ends someday. Jensen always answers that the topic had come up and because they honestly enjoy meeting and interacting with fans, they would definitely still do conventions after the show ends, just not as many.
4. Jefferey Dean Morgan had said he would definitely be back on the show before it ended. Weeks, maybe months after saying that, the CW announced his return for the 300th episode.
5. This season, I swear! I've had this sick feeling in my gut with every new episode. There's just this sense of finality to it all; Michael's intent on destroying the world, Jack defeatist mentality about being human, Castiel's profound words of wisdom at every turn about life and death and enjoying things while they last...
~*~
5:03PM
I told my mom the news, the actual words more like "seasonfifteenwillbethelast," all in one breath as my voice started breaking somewhere in the middle. She barely understood me. Thankfully, she didn't ask me to repeat it. I don't think I could have...
5:12PM
We had been out grocery shopping. I charged my phone in the kitchen while organizing my yogurt by date in the fridge and putting crackers away in the cabinet. As I went to retrieve my phone and find somewhere private to watch the video, my mom was trying to explain where she'd put everything. My attention was split as I'd accidentally unlocked my phone when I picked it up, noticing Jensen had linked the video in a tweet as well. She'd topped talking by the time I looked up from my phone and I realized I hadn't heard a word she said.
Shaking my head as I came back to myself, and all I could say was:
"Wait-- sorry, what?"
My mom sounded annoyed, but she kinda gets it.
Turning to walk down the hall to the stairs and the comforting four walls of my bedroom, I heard my brother laughing at me from the living room.
He doesn't get it.
I laid on my bed with a box of tissues and watch the video.
Jared, Jensen and Misha standing together in solidarity announcing to their extended family that the show we all love is coming to an end. As Jensen broke the news, Jared started breaking down, Misha kept biting his lip and all their eyes were red.
My heart broke.
I cried for about 10 minutes.
I thought it would take longer to compose myself.
After, I just sat on my bed, motionless, staring into nothing; stuck between one moment and the next -not sure what to do...where to go from here. What came next and how to deal...
I tried to put a name to what I was feeling; some great big emotion to cover the entirety of this massive feeling inside me.
I was sad.
I sat with that revelation for a minute, then managed to put myself in motion.
I turned my phone off - it was dying anyway - to avoid the incursion of media posts about my life my show ending. Hooking it up on the charger next to my bed, I turned to Hulu for the comfort of Beverly Hills 90210 and began my 5th attempt at knitting a mini basketweave dishcloth, hoping to take my mind off this debilitating, devastating sadness.
...knit 1st row, knit 2, purl 3, knit 3...knit last 2 - knit 5, purl 3, knit 3...knit last 5 - over and over, counting, keeping count, knit, purl, knit, purl, knit, purl...
It didn't help. All these details to distract me, but my mind still replayed their words over and over and over on a loop, as I tried to process-- make sense of it. I had to stop when it all became too much and cried for another 20 minutes or so. Then again, briefly. And a few more times.
Eventually, it got easier; their words and mine becoming a low murmur as the repetition of knitting finally took over, allowing my mind to rest.
Still, I screwed up my dishtowel three times, finally giving up after about 4 hours, spending the last reading up on crochet. I shouldn't have tried to learn something new with where my head was at. It couldn't keep my attention and everything coming back with a vengeance.
~*~
10:30PM
I cried. Hard. Like I felt I should've cried before. Guess I had to let the news sink in, to really feel it.
After, laying in bed in misery, I forced my strained eyes to focus on 90210.
It didn't last.
10:55PM
I turned my phone back on; time to face the music.
Just as I'd thought, my newsfeed was bombarded with headlines from every media site there is.
Then someone had to go and post this.
I thought about all Cas' lines this season and realized he'd been telling us all along.
I cried.
...then this.
Supernatural stars, past and present, showed an outpouring of support for the decision and love for the show. Most importantly, Kripke.
From the video, you could tell Jared was having really hard time with this. I know he would've wanted to go live and talk us through it, but there's no way he could get through it himself. So, he posted his heartfelt message on Instagram, while crying. God, I love this man.
By the time I stopped scrolling, this was me.
I hadn't felt this way since around the time this episode came from.
Back then, I'd made myself numb. It took years to feel anything again, and I am. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling every damn thing. And I embraced the pain, because underneath the hurt and tears and grief...I was relieved.
Theorizing about Supernatural ending and knowing for sure are two completely different things, but I could finally stop worrying about it happening. It happened. All that's left to do is deal with it and move on.
Sam and Dean taught me that.
~*~
2:30AM
I couldn't sleep.
I was already living my worst nightmare; I didn't want to go to sleep, only to wake up in a world where Supernatural would still be ending.
So, I messaged a friend who knows Latin, asking for a translation of "nothing ever really ends" because the internet is unreliable as it is, never mind a dead language. I'd always thought of getting it tattooed when the show inevitably ended, since I already have the anti-possession tattoo.
As a backup, I started searching AKF tattoos in Jared's handwriting. Fans have the boys write out phrases before, and then get them tattooed. Someone got Misha's actual lips tattooed after he kissed a sheet of paper. I wouldn't know what to ask for and don't have the balls to do it anyway, or the money to ever see them again...
I've loved Dean forever. Sam had to grow on me. My connection to Jared was instantaneous, since the first time I met him in 2011. And his campaigns...I've been struggling, personally, alongside Supernatural. I had finally acknowledged that and started dealing with my issues when he reached out with his Facebook video introducing his "I Am Enough" campaign. It was so touching, I felt connected to him on a level I never expected, as he parroted back everything I'd discovered for myself. In that moment, I loved him.
Without the show every week, I'd like the constant reminder of what it's meant to me and how far I've come. "Always Keep Fighting" is kinda long, but if I were ever to have a full arm tattoo, this would be it.
I really like the idea of AKF as a wrist tattoo...
Then I found this. AKF with each letter from Jensen, Jared and Misha...
~*~
3:00AM
Not sure why I kept searching, but I found this.
One on each wrist?
...with their actual carvings, of course.
~*~
8:00AM
Supernatural seems to be the only reason I stay up all night. Back in the day, I was picspamming episodes with Dean/Cas overtones, downloading episodes screencaps or just obsessively blogging my feelings about the show.
Thinking back, I found myself wondering how I felt when the first episode aired; my reaction to the show, how it came to mean so much to me. I've thought of this before, but was never able to come up with an answer. I used to journal everything around the time Supernatural started. I thought about revisiting them for various reasons over the years, but it never seemed worth the effort. Now, though...
Unable to do anything until morning, I thought instead about all the shows that have been cancelled while Supernatural lived on.
Friends ended in 2004 after a 10 year run.
Tru Calling, my "Supernatural before Supernatural" only got a season and a half, not even. The first episode I watched was the last to ever air. Thank god for Hollywood Video! 😉
Most of my favorite shows lasted around 7 years, more or less. Nip/Tuck, Rescue Me...I'm sure I cried, but they didn't really mean anything to me in the end.
House was tough. I came in for season 3, and fell in love with the show. House and Supernatural got me through high school.
I came into Dexter pretty late. Season 4 was about to air when Showtime kept reminding customers to watch all 3 season on OnDemand. I finally gave in and the first episode was incredible. It was kinda terrifying to have so much in common with a serial killer, but Dexter had to fake his emotions and I'd already made myself numb so I wasn't too far off. A connection like that is pretty hard to break. It was non-stop excitement for 7 years, but the way it ended... It was bad, Deb dying absolutely killed me and Dexter never seeing his son again... I think I'm more hurt by the sendoff than the actual ending.
Watching the first episode of True Blood, I didn't expect to continue...until they ended every episode on a cliff-hanger and I just had to see what happened next. After reading the books, though, nothing could compare. It sucked halfway through season 4, but I was already invested.
Someone how they made me cry at the end, for Bill fucking Compton - the vampire I was so ecstatic to see die, that I cried when he came back because I hate him so much. In the end, Bill met the true death, and I actually bawled my eyes out while he proclaimed his undying love - the lying bastard - to Sookie as she's standing over his grave. As tears tracked down my face, I was more pissed off than anything. To make matters worse, Sookie ended up with a human and Eric! - My Viking God, Eric - became a sell-out for the American Vampire League, it was so degrading! True Blood sucks. Books are always better!
Doctor Who isn't over, but Matt's arc has been for a while. I'm so grateful to Chris for bringing The Doctor back to life - you never forget your first Doctor. David was amazing and I fell in love with him easily, but Matt... He made me like him when all I wanted was to wallow for just a little while with David gone.
"Beans are evil. Bad, bad beans." I was done.
Losing Matt was the hardest thing I'd ever gone through. He took my heart, made me love him and I only got a season and a half live. I wanted more time. Matt leaving hurt like hell. And his farewell message always breaks my heart!
And that last table read! (clip at 8:00) Apparently I can watch it now, but I cried every time...
DEREK SHEPHERD. McDreamy's death was absolutely heartbreaking. Everyone knew Patrick Dempsey was leaving Grey's Anatomy, I just couldn't help but to hold out hope... He was the heart and soul of the show and absolutely everything to Meredith. To me. They dragged it out for three weeks, then the entire next season and I've since come to realize that he'll always have a presence on the show. Doesn't stop me from bursting into tears whenever he spontaneously pops up in a more direct way, damn stock footage and CGI...
Castiel death was worse.
None of this could possibly compare to the impending series finale of Supernatural.
My last series finale was Once Upon a Time. I was over it by the second season, but held on for Rumple's sake. I truly believed in his character development, that he would prove himself to be a good man, after all. That didn't last and I actually gave up on him. They should've ended after everyone got their happily ever afters in season 6 and all the actors jumped ship. I only watched season 7 to see how it ended. Not even week to week! It started that way, but I got bored and ended up watching the second half the day before the finale. I really didn't care by the time it was over.
The Walking Dead just isn't the same whiteout Rick, and that 6 year time jump broke me. Seeing Judith - just about Carl's age when this started - having grown up without her father and brother... Rick never getting to watch her grow up.
This thinking was getting me nowhere. Somehow it helped and I was finally able to drift off to a restless sleep.
_______________________________________________________
DAY 2: March 23, 2019
12:00PM
I managed to get 4hrs of sleep. Must have been channeling Dean...
I woke up tired and miserable.
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